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I can reassure you I have NEVER pooped on a porch, or purposely eaten a toenail clipping or set anyone's house on fire. I lovedevour music and art and books and writing and creating, but I have yet to discover any personal talents in those areas, much to my dismay.

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I find myself attractive in a hunch-backed, warty-mole sort of way, and most of my exes let me take off the Looking to live and laugh again bag every once in awhile, on special occasions. People magazine has yet to nominate me as one of the year's most beautiful people but I think it's just a matter of time before they quit looking for supermodels and start focusing on trolls with excessive toe hair and curvy hips, and my starts a'ringin'.

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I like animals and ren, but hate how they're always crapping on things. I love to travel, and if no better ideas come up in the meantime, I intend to do exactly that in a few years when my are grown and on their own.

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